Hey guys, welcome back! I hope everyone out there is doing well, doing some things that make you happy and just doing you. I am very happy to say that I’ve gotten back to my old routine and the two weeks of ‘floating’ have gone away. I’m now back to my rather OCD, Groundhog Day existence and really happy about it.

It’s funny, I used to be one of the most social people out there. For many years, I was out, every day/night, enjoying my friends and was always excited to get up knowing I’d be with them soon. I was also the one that organized many of the parties and reunions (I also did that as a job so I got damned good at it) and the best thing said to me by a friend after he flew in for one of our yearly get togethers? “I would never miss one of your parties!” If I haven’t said it lately, my friends are the best.

Things have changed, a lot. Since I got sick almost ten years ago now, I have trouble with being outside of the house. And since my recent relapse that started in August? I have gotten much worse.

I dread leaving my home. It’s not that I don’t want to see people I care about, I do. It just takes a lot of pep talks to get me out the door. I will lose sleep for days before I have to be somewhere, including doctors appointments. I’m not proud of this because I need to go, but I have been known to cancel an appointment because I stress out so much about being out in public.

Last week I had two days of testing. One was a reschedule because I had canceled the week before. I HAD to get these tests done. I had to. So I made the appointments close together, got my ass out the door and did what I had to do. I barely slept all week, but I got it done.

The thing about this is, once I’m out, I’m ok. I will chat up the uber drivers, the receptionists or if at a gathering, I will enjoy the hell out of myself reconnecting with friends and extended family. It’s the getting out the door part that is the issue. I break out into a sweat, breathe worse than I normally do and try to come up with excuses of why I can’t leave. And not just that…I’ve been getting worse with responding to texts, DMs and emails. I just freeze up and this is so unlike me in so many ways. (My friends can definitely attest to this.)

Yes, I have been on anti anxiety meds in the past. Unfortunately they put about 50lbs on me and when you are under five feet tall? Well, let’s just say, I looked like an Oompa Loompa…or more like Augustus Gloop. You know, the kid that fell in the chocolate river and got stuck in the pipe? Yeah, that was me.

Anywhoo, I’m really trying to work on it. Not that I can do anything right now the way my health has been, I’m pretty much stuck here. But with the warmer weather comes more local gatherings and I’d really like to be a part of them again. I’ve missed going to little league games. Yelling and cheering in the stands while laughing with the parents. I’ve had plans for a 20th reunion of my friends in the works for a bit and even though I’ll be putting it together, it would be wrong of me not to show up! These are just the things that plague me daily and again, I am trying to work on it all. I think the fact that I can’t do anything right now has just gotten the best of me and once this passes (and it will pass, I will accept nothing less) I’ll be right back out there. My anxiety waves have come and gone before and I have no doubt that this one will as well.

Anyway, enough of this therapy session, let’s get on with something else now, shall we?

I said earlier in this post that I’ve gotten back into my routine. This has been so good for me as any deviation from it? I spiral. So getting back to my editing as well as reading is so important to me and I’ve been doing better with it.

The one thing about working on my own manuscript is that I keep getting discouraged. I had wanted this book to be a romcom but it’s taken on a more serious turn. Don’t get me wrong, there’s funny aspects of it, but just like life, it can’t all be funny.

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment just last night while reading the second book of a series I started last month. These books are so damned funny, I’ve had nights where I was afraid I’d wake up my neighbors laughing. However, this second book took a very dramatic turn that made me finally realize that yes, you can marry the dark with the light.

I came damned close to chucking half of my book. Just deleting it outright to change the direction to be more comedic. But as I’ve said in previous posts, this story that I’m writing also deals with issues that I feel need to be discussed and deleting that storyline would kill me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still so over my word count that a ton still needs to go. However deleting the drama to get to the laughs isn’t what this book needs. I still plan on writing a total romantic comedy after this. I will never let that dream die. But this is the story that I need to tell now and I can’t see myself deleting it after working on it for a year. So onward I go.

I’ve seen a quote many times that fits so well here: “Sometimes the right book comes to you at the right time.” How true this is. If it wasn’t for reading the one I’m reading now, I would have made a major mistake and now I can see where I need to go with my own book. There really is such a thing as an ‘a-ha moment!’ Go figure.

And that folks, is where I will leave you for today. Thank you as always for putting up with my ramblings. To anyone I owe messages to, I hope this explains my mindset lately and I’m sorry if I’ve been distant.

Also, I’d like to take a second to thank those who have supported my site through my Ko-fi link as well as shopping through my Amazon affiliate links. I’ll be putting together my storefront soon with recommended books and items that I hope you’ll check out and will keep you updated when it goes live.

Until next time…cheers!

– 

– 

To follow me on socials, shop my links and more, click: HERE

–

If you’d like to check out the Lucy Score Story Lake series I’ve been reading, click: HERE

Note: There’s two books now but a third will be out next year. Romcoms with a touch of drama and a touch of spice. I’ve become a huge fan of hers and this is now the fourth that has had me laughing and escaping.

–

If you’ve made it this far, I thank you and will see you soon! 🙂